Wondering

This morning while hiking a Colorado trail I was overwhelmed by the incredible changes in my life, wondering how I can possibly deserve to be so blessed. The last several years have been a struggle for everyone, including me, and yet every ending has led to a vibrant beginning.  When my career abruptly ended without any opportunity for redemption, I had the opportunity to launch a new and exciting one. Effortlessly, learning, teaching, and leadership opportunities have presented themselves, providing me with opportunities for growth and a sense of meaning.

And, most amazingly, when I was profoundly lonely and had resigned myself to emptiness, my heart was filled with love. Honestly, I had not just given up, but was sure that I was undeserving, or perhaps, too good at making bad choices. This story starts with a disastrous first date that for the most part was due to my fears of repeating old mistakes, or perhaps my inability to see passed what I thought I wanted or what love would look like. Somehow he has a heart courageous enough to persevere in the face of my insouciance.

I am still not sure why I am so blessed, why I have been given so many gifts. Perhaps when I stopped pushing to make things happen, synchronicity flowed in. Maybe when I stopped justifying the lies and betrayals of others, my boundaries grew strong enough to hold miracles. Perhaps giving up trying to manifest a specific life, allowed me to seduce life into my empty spaces. Possibly I have been given second chances because I value them so greatly, and understand that each gift begets responsibility and commitment, which I joyfully accept.