I just want my dog

The word for dog in Hebrew is Kelev, which literally means like the heart. Puppies are Kelevlev, meaning like the heart’s heart, which is so clearly where they touch us, a spiritual gift we are at times too busy to appreciate. Perhaps we fear loving them so deeply because we know the pain of losing them is so overpowering.

I just want my dog.

Her last dinner was mac-and-cheese, which I hand fed her. Her last breakfast was from a box of Girl-scout cookies. The last words she heard were “I will always love you” and her last moments were spent in my arms. As she drifted away I watched her whiskers twitch the way they did when she searching for a hidden scent.

I just want my dog, my kelev.

Later I sat in the sun crying, yelling at the  wind that so recently flew through her fur, rejecting all phone calls and offers of comfort. Don’t tell me about rainbow bridges or spiritual connections or power animals. Sure I am grateful that she was with me for 11 years, but gratitude exists in another lifetime. Thank you for reaching out, but understand that my wild raging grief cannot accept comfort any more than a burn victim can tolerate physical touch. So please share your healing light with someone who is ready to heal. Right now I am broken and empty and my shattered heart is bleeding out.

I just want my dog, my kelev, my heart.

At some point, I will be able to talk and say thank you for your kindness. At some point, I will be able to remember that I am resilient and that shattered hearts heal. Someday I will believe in love again. But not today.

Right now I just want my dog, my kelev, my heart, my heart’s heart.

I just want my dog.




8 thoughts on “I just want my dog

  1. I am so sorry for your heartbreak. Rage on.

    1. Thank you

  2. Sorry for your loss to such a wonderful companion

    1. Thank you so much!

  3. Living on a farm we have had many dogs over time. We have also lost quite a few due to various reasons. That being said I have cried and felt incredibly sad every time we lost one. All of them have always held a very special place in my heart. I do know first hand that grief and I can only say I’m sorry. I am happy for you and your dog that you did get to spend the last minutes of life holding her because just like our human loved ones they will always have that moment of love ❤️ to remember.

  4. My heart is broken for you. I’m so sorry. The “comfort words” many offer are just ridiculous. There are no words that can help. This sucks for you and there’s no comfort to be had yet. I’m thinking of you.

  5. Hugh Alexander April 9, 2020 — 2:23 pm

    When I lost a pet I would cry loudly and with many tears. Later I would not talk, just leave me alone.
    As days went by I would be different.

    1. That is so my experience. Thank you for sharing Hugh

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