It seems that I have managed to manifest exactly what I yearned for, and now find myself afraid of embracing it, caught in a wave of resistance as I contemplate running away. This is my familiar dance between disappearing and embracing.
I was young when I perfected running-away. I might disappear on my bike for most of a day, or sequester in my room as darkness fell. If commanded to be with the family I could sink into a book. And when that was banned I learned to meditate into the dark safety of my mind. Running away was always my first choice, and often still is, when my heart senses danger or captivity.
And yet, I discovered that I could not disappear and build a career that required me to persevere and endure, even while my soul cried for freedom. I learned to be profoundly resilient, but seduction does emerge from an empty heart. Somehow I have to find that place where dark and light swirled and danced, where I hid my wild soul for safety so many years ago. I need to set myself free.
I barely remember the way, but I know I must cross a narrow bridge, spanning a ravine of stone and light, buffeted by singing winds and howling lights. Then there is a winding path calling me, a staircase of stone and root and earth away from the confines behind me. And there she is, my wild spirit dancing freely with the storm in the open meadow I remember from my dreams. I watch, wondering if I truly ever was a force of nature, a power larger than life and soul so free from worry.
And then, in a moment shorter than time can measure, I am her again.
4 thoughts on “I am Her again”
I. LOVE. THIS. The mental images you invoke are stunning. I can relate to your struggle and am so glad someone else feels it. It’s nice to know I’m not alone! It’s awesome you can put it into such eloquent words. I am aghast at your writing ability…it’s phenomenal. I LOVE THIS.
Thank you SO much Katherine!
I enjoyed this very much as well. You’re writing skills are awesome!
I love your writing and the honesty and transparency of the emotions you convey. The perspective is mostly from the inside looking out but also the outside looking in. I’m hopeful you soon gain your freedom and relish in it. It’s something we can all do better. Thanks