My life is opening up in amazing ways, full of unpredictable opportunities and wonderful adventures. My third (or is it fourth or fifth?) career is taking me in directions I never dreamed of, allowing me to have conversations with incredible people I never imagined I would meet. And I have discovered that love can be simultaneously easy and passionate, deeply meaningful and filled with laughter.
And yet I have a secret to share. Some evenings I feel haunted by feelings of failure and inadequacy. I wonder if I have done enough or made the right choices. Have I been too safe, pulled back when I should have moved forward? Should I have traveled different roads or taken greater risks? I have been told I set my bar too low, and also too high, care too much about what others think and am always too independent, am too caring and yet not lovable.
The time I spent alone during 2020 was a gift, for I realized that I know who I am when I am alone, away from judgmental lectures and agenda laden questions. I was able to choose when to engage in the craziness of the world and when to seek comfort, when to fight for my beliefs and when to quietly walk away from the expectations surrounding me. I learned to live on the loose, listening to that still small voice in my heart.
Perhaps my nightly journeys into melancholy are simply memories I am shedding and old traps I am avoiding. Maybe my technicolor extravagant dreams are just another way of cleansing my past and opening my heart to the future. A future I intend to walk into without fear or apology.