After a year-and-a-half away I ran into the waves as tears ran down my face, and waited for her deep ocean voice to embrace me. My feet sank into the wet sand as the water swirled around my calves and thighs, and I called her wisdom to fill my newly opened heart while I cried.
Finally I heard her whisper “give me your fear” over and over again as she wrapped her love around me. I walked in the waves for miles and miles, letting my fears drain into her salty rhythmic surf. It was only as my inner emptiness started to drain away that I realized how much fear was hiding in my heart.
Why did I think that when my heart opened love and awareness and comfort would fill it, before fear and emptiness and loneliness flowed out? My heart paused every few beats as the old still-raw wounds painfully healed, frightening me even more. This well of old wounds seemed bottomless.
The unhealed scars opened and drained old judgments, broken promises, and terrors, and then filled with turquoise and diamonds and rubies, turning into beautiful maps of my courageous journey. And yet, my heart still pauses and the tears still unpredictably flow. I do not know where the fear ends or the tears stop, but I do know that my heart is filling with a brilliant coruscating light.