Yesterday I felt two years of fear quietly fall away. I am not sure what happened, perhaps I was simply exhausted by the voices of dread and trepidation that have haunted so many of us. I have danced between nightmares and wild distracting dreams that are either telling me to be wary or to move on. Or both.
I have been told that fear is the absence of love, and so wondered if love would fill me as the fear moved on. But there is obviously no direct correlation in my life. That empty place inside me is full of longing for something that seems to be lost, or perhaps hidden in the wild places of my heart. And so the absence of fear unearthed a place I do not even know how to access.
How can I be so lonely when I love being alone? Why does opening my heart to love feel so empty? Perhaps I am simply part of an autumn landscape, with my soul turning luminescent colors, and glowing in a setting sun while surrendering to the wind.
This is what transformation requires, not a cognitive journey through books and lessons with thoughtful meditations and journal entries. Rather an emotional surrender accompanied by a spiritual blind dive into the dark wildness that we cannot name, knowing only that we will be consumed and reformed. We all dance on the edge of a cliff choosing either to stay safely on the solid rocks, or to step into the wild wind trusting we will grow glorious wings.